And now, a criminal who had the genius plan to trade one of America's best gourmet foods for one of America's least gourmet foods.


30-year-old Nichole Reed of Orange City, Florida went to a Publix grocery store on Wednesday . . . and shoved LOBSTERS down her pants.  That sounds weirdly erotic . . . and I'm turned on that she fit EIGHT lobster tails down there.


The lobster tails had a total value of $84.


Security guards saw her and called the cops . . . who followed Nichole home and busted her with the lobster tails.


She admitted she'd stolen them, and told the cops her master plan . . . she was planning to trade the lobster tails for a trip to a Chinese buffet.  Ain't nothing less gourmet than a Chinese buffet.


If that buffet plan fell through, she was going to trade the lobster tails for painkillers.  She was arrested and charged with petty theft.